Autumn Appraisal

Time to start afresh... time to renew, 
I'm looking forward to autumn... hope so are you? 

Out with the coat, scarves and boots. Colds, coughs and sneezes.
Crisp air, falling leaves and steady cool breezes.

Sounds of crunchy leaves beneath your feet.

No more of that bothersome heat. 

A mild breeze passes you by, 

makes you ponder for a while. 

Porridge in the morning... cocoa at night, 

warm desserts....what a delight. 

Frosty evenings... paired with twilight, 

darker sky... yet shining moonlight. 

After autumn follows winter so cherish this lovely season,

... savour the beauty and its glory because everything happens for a reason. 

(Poem by Asma Begum).

Family Reunion at the hospital?

On Sunday, 6th January early this year Hubby set of to fly to Bangladesh to visit his parents and younger sister.  He hadn't been back home in about four years. We had done the last minute 'cardigan' shopping; a staple clothing item which asians tend to buy for relatives abroad.  I don't understand why because Bangladesh get 10 months of summer and only 2 months winter and even that is eqivalent to our British Spring! [However apparently I'm told Bangladesh has experienced an unexplainable freak freezing cold winter this year]. Anyway giftwrapping, packing and weighing the luggage done. It was the day for hubby to go. It was kind of melancholic because he had said he wanted to visit for quite some time but I didn't really realise the day would come so quick. I was in a state of limbo - I want to bid him a safe and happy journey and holiday but on the other hand I didn't really want him to go.  Really it's no big deal because distance supposedly makes the heart grow fonder but mushy bit aside I rely on my husband with running the household, shiftworking between the kids and his my saviour for my once in a blue moon respite which I'm able to have when hubby's around.  As the time neared to him leaving the home for the airport; the vision of the retreat to the spa, meal with the girls or shopping till dawn seemed like a distant memory!  I had been physcing myself up for about a week prior about 'How I'd been fine', 'I can manage on my own' and often found myself having a full blown out monologue in the kitchen with myself about what needs to be done, how I can overcome his problems and that appointment.  It's not the end of the world as I stare at the dripping sink tap, leaking washing machine and disrepair of the front door draught excluders who are clinging onto dear life.  All that can wait even after he has come back surely. Perhaps give it another year or so I say sarcastically to myself.  Well, I convinced myself that these were mere menial non-urgent things to be done and I have far more important tasks ahead.  I got to brace myself of 3 weeks of school runs to two schools, seeing to council contractors attending home visits and a dozen hospital appointment which have come in clusters all in January due to the christmas and new year break.  Not to mention the cold, frosty winter mornings which would involve the tedious task of putting layers of clothes on the girls, defrosting the car windscreen and heating the car.  Oh... and don't even get me started with throwing out the rubbish, the recycling, sweeping the leaves from the front porch and food and bog-roll shopping!.... Damn I'm really gona miss hubby for all the right reasons (of course)!

Anyway worries aside I knew I'd have to take the superwoman cape out of the wardrobe and just get on with it!  I was rustling up his farewell lunch. I did a Chicken Korma, Dhal (Lentil), Carrot Bhaji and a King Prawn Bhuna and Pilau rice all by midday.  All went down well considering that I missed breakfast and was faffing about that morning. Mum and close family came round to see hubby off.  Then suddenly Inaaya who was well all week took a turn for the worst.  She was having these new type of seizures, which I now learnt are Tonic Clonic Seizures.  The symptoms Inaaya presented were proper convulsions, body stiffness and limbs jerking.  Some of the seizures were so intense and prolonged and Inaaya would roll her eyes which was so scary for one to watch let alone experience! Thankfully, apparently the sufferer is unconsious throughout and doesn't remember the seizures but just the dazed feeling when consciousness is regained. 

It was 2 o'clock and time for him to leave for the airport.  Hubby was saying he'll cancel the flight if need be. I reassured him that he should go and maybe it's just a blip.  "Inaaya's always ill, or in hospital, she'll be fine."  I said to him and to my conscious.   I could not give hubby a farewell hug as I was dealing with Inaaya.  He said bye and went downstairs and I hurried behind him with Inaaya once she had come round from her seizure so that atleast he could see her being her playful self and not be so upset leaving and Inaaya could give her dad a kiss.

The seizures calmed down in the afternoon but began to come back in clusters in the evening .  First every 3 hours, then 2 hours, then every hour and eventually about 3 seizures every 30 minutes.  I couldn't hold on for long and neither could my poor Inaaya at this rate.  It was 4am when I called NHS Direct and paramedics arrived.  Mum had stayed over at mine seeing that Inaaya was poorly and should the need arise that I go into hospiral with Inaaya; mum can look after Sumaiya (my other girl). True to that; this is what happened -  I left with the ambulance crew leaving mum in a state of sheer worry. I tried to calm her but her eyes were already full of anxiousness.  Inaaya was admitted to a+e at about 4am and almost minutes later my sister texted me saying mum was in a+e. I couldn't belive it and I didn't know how to react among the doctors and nurses around me.  All I throught was that I literally left mum in my house. What's happened to mum so quick?  Perhaps that fact that I had left with Inaaya in such a state got her overly-worried.  Suddenly it dawned on me: OMG! Where is Sumaiya?  My poor girl... no mother or father nearby and now no gran nearby. Luckily later my sister filled me in about Sumaiya's whereabounce and about mum because I was preoccupied with my girl Inaaya.  I felt so helpless that I could not be near mum and at the same time felt so helpless that no matter what I did near Inaaya's bedside;  I could not stop Inaaya having seizures.  I was told mum came in complaining of shortness of breath.  An x-ray showed that she had fluid in her right lung so she was immediately catherterised and given oxygen.

Poor Mum, poor Inaaya and poor ME!  One hand I have the person that gave life to me and on the other hand I had the person I'd given life to and whom was soley dependant on me.  Straight away I wanted to breakdown but held back the tears and took a deep breathe and sighed. I thought I must stay strong.

Later that morning both Inaaya and mum got taken to the assessment wards and later transfered to the in-patient wards on diferrent floors.  I still hadn't seen mum but was texting my sister and brother like crazy for updates.  After a week staying in hospital; with many sleepless nights, blood tests, examination, stress and tears - Inaaya was on the mend with the Mercy of Allah, the Almighty.  Even 9 months pregnant sister-in-law, Shuhena had a brief admission to a+e  because she was vomiting all day and couldn't keep food down.  It was a little family reunion, but perhaps an altervative venue instead of the general hospital would have been well suited!  



My older girl, Sumaiya missed a whole week of school and I only saw her twice breifly that week.  She was at my parents' flat in Mile End a few days, then at my brother's house in East Ham and lastly at my sister's house in Newbury Park because there was no dad to take over the childminding and do the schools runs. My poor girl probably felt so unsettled and emotional.  She's very timid too and won't even say if something was wrong or she wanted anything.  I owe it to her as well as my youngest to be there for them both.  It was so difficult and challenging. I had to be both mummy and daddy at the same time. I was needed at the hospital by one daughter and also was yearning for my other daughter. One minute I was feeding wheatabix, changing nappies, administering medicine and playing with Inaaya and the next minute I was racing home in my car to put the washing machine on, check letters and bills, cancel appointmemts, pick up clothes for Sumaiya and go to Sumaiya's school to get homework as well as buy myself food and drink.  I figured I will have to eat and keep hydrated to keep my energy levels up because I don't have a failsafe back up plan (in the form of what would be a 'husband') if I was to falter.  I was one man down but I was determined to be a one-man army.  With the saying from the Qur'an in mind and heart that "God, does not burden a person with that s/he can't handle" - I soldiered on.